As I transfer into this young age of twenty-seven, I find myself sitting somewhere I honestly never thought I would be. Maintaining a blog, where I write about things like spirituality and sobriety. Sitting here, reflecting on my past, trying to connect the dots and just getting lost in the fog. I realize I’ve seriously lost touch with a couple of people who I used to be. That is to say, when I think about where I was for my 25th birthday, who I was and what I was doing… I honestly don’t even know that guy. It’s hard to even remember how he thought or felt, about anything. Although that’s not entirely true, he was a very sad and very lonely man, just trying to find his place in a world that didn’t make any sense to him.
I’ve grown a lot since that time, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Especially on a spiritual note, and as a result I can sit here and honestly say that the age of 26 has been beyond any fraction of a doubt the best year of my entire life. The first year spent in complete sobriety since the age of eleven having most certainly everything to do with it! I’m sitting in a place now that I had spent my entire life dreaming of. Not physically per say, I’m currently in a dinky little studio apartment where my “kitchen” is a mini fridge and a rice cooker. But I have become this person who I secretly always wanted to be, who in fact I always knew I was, but couldn’t allow myself to become. The type of person that is completely okay with this dinky little studio apartment, who in fact feels like it is more than what is necessary.
I think that’s the biggest reason why I drank so much honestly, I was scared of facing who I truly was. And when I now try to ask myself why, it all just seems incredibly idiotic. There was this image I had of myself, something I was always striving to be, something that would allow me to fall in line, to fit in. Better yet, to be approved of, to have some means of procuring validation via outside sources. But what that image was exactly, well it was constantly changing. I didn’t have a fucking clue what I needed to do to gain everyone’s approval, and every time I tried something different it simply felt wrong. Eventually I just settled with getting piss ass wasted all the time and avoiding the topic all together. Although it was still constantly eating away at me. Everybody else was graduating college, establishing careers and building families, buying homes, and fancy cars. I just wanted to hop on a plane and go somewhere that nobody knew my name.
Then, just before I turned 26 I found myself in a moment that forced me to question all of this. I wound up concluding that trying to fit in was nothing more than a waste of my time. That having an image that was approved of, was irrelevant. That in fact, the pursuit of such a thing was seriously detrimental. I found myself coming to terms with something I had always known; that a career didn’t actually mean anything, that I wasn’t actually anywhere close to ready for a family, and that a car and/or home would only feel like a cage if I were to own one. I realized that this was all stuff other people wanted for their lives, and that I didn’t, and most importantly, that this was okay. I finally understood that this was okay! Further more, that it didn’t matter if anyone else agreed with me, if this was okay or not. I humbly resolved that this was my life, and that my life I alone shall live.
So I decided to just be who the fuck I am, without giving one single apology to anyone, for any reason. I embraced the introvert within, and allowed myself to “miss out” on all the amazing parties. I opened up my heart, giving love to any and everyone I could, no longer hiding in fear of the lack of a reciprocation. I decided I was going to live my life the way I wished everyone would choose to live their lives, as purely and undeniably my true self as was possible.
Where this has all brought me, sitting here now 27 years young… well, it’s a pretty interesting place. I’m a three-time college dropout, with a resultant mountain of debt. More than half of every year, I’m homeless and unemployed. I live on a daily budget, and if I go over it, I’m usually pretty screwed. I don’t have a career, or a home, or a car, or even a cell phone. I don’t even have a girlfriend, let alone something that might one day be a family. I don’t have a ten-year plan, or a 5 year plan, or a 6 month plan for that matter. I don’t have a 401k, or a savings account that’s actually worth mentioning. I literally don’t have a single thing someone might try to use to determine “how well I’m doing”. But you know what else I don’t have? I haven’t a care in the world. Utterly and totally transparent, comfortable with my own approval and requiring nothing more. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life! It’s a beautiful day my friends, and the future is bright 🙂