Goodbyes suck! Actually, I don’t even really believe in them. Never goodbye right, just, “see you later”. I am however about to ‘leave’ for what is planned to be at least the next 3-5 years, and honestly don’t know if I’ll ever seriously return to the United States of America. With this, I feel compelled to explain myself to those of you who I care about most. It is with the heaviest of hearts, that I am about to write what is perhaps the most difficult series of thoughts I have ever attempted to articulate. I hope, that in the end, we can all know that I ultimately come from a place of love.
If you know me, then you know I have lived a life of defiance. If you know me well, then you also know that this has never produced anything necessarily positive for me or for the overall outcome of my life itself. That is, until this thing happened back in December of 2016.
It’s a difficult ‘thing’ to describe, and I’m sure that on some very real levels many of you think I’ve completely lost it, and honestly, from the societal perspective we were all born and raised within, I have. You see, this right here is the very core of the problem, if there was to be a problem. The basic malfunction of it all, at its simplest, yet simultaneously most complex state. This societal perspective is skewed, in fact so much so, that it’s obscurities have become ‘the norm’.
I always knew growing up that everything I was being taught, everything I was being told to believe, all the rules that were demanded I follow, were wrong. But I was young and confused, and who was I to challenge what everyone else ‘knew to be true’? It was just a stage, I would grow out of it, or so they said. Then, everyone else did, grow out of it that is, and I found myself alone. Defiantly unwilling to ‘grow up’ and not having a fucking clue in the world as to why. The only solace I could ever procure was that somewhere deep down within myself, I knew the world I was being forced to conform to, was inherently dysfunctional. It wasn’t much to go on, in fact it wasn’t even close to enough, but I clung to it like barnacles.
This produced a serious amount of internal questioning and confusion. Doubt even, both in myself and in the society that surrounded me. Through a lifetime of searching for someone, anyone, that might be able to help alleviate the confusion… I found nothing. This created such a vast expansion of the confusion and resultant loneliness that the onset of pain became unbearable. So I numbed myself, I numbed away this pain with so much drugs and alcohol that it almost killed me. Hospitalized and on my ‘death bed’ three different times to be exact. All the while having this same backwards ass society insist that I was the one with a problem, that I was the one that needed help. That I was the kid that needed to, “just fucking grow up already!”
It’s absolutely devastating to me, here, how ‘growing up’ becomes synonymous with the active pursuit of murdering ones own spirit. We don’t call it this, because we don’t understand it’s synonymous essence, and as a result we often fail to realize this truth. None the less, a truth it is. To blindly conform to America’s westernized societal norms, is to allow a suffocation of everything that is spiritual within you. Through this conformity the ego flourishes, and when the ego flourishes it’s mechanisms for control become increasingly stronger. We set a trap for ourselves, encouraged to do so by everyone who claims to love us, and then we consciously succumb to it. Chaining ourselves up, shackles and all, twisting the key and throwing it off into the distance, further then the eye of our spirit can see.
So we find ourselves stuck, capable of very little movement, yet finding comfort in the knowing that everyone else ‘approves’. The comfort becomes, quite often, so grand and ‘beautiful’ that we end up never thoroughly questioning, “but why the chains?”. We then choose to call this life, and ironically so, will never spend another moment truly alive. (That is unless, we one day choose to question our comforts. Which sadly, often means our comforts must first, lose their beauty. Here, we can choose to unplug, or perhaps the pain, the lack of beauty, becomes so significant that ‘unplugging’ is forced upon us.) This prison, these chains, these are directly correlated to the building of an identity, both individually and as a society. Industry and profitability, economic growth and its resultant comforts, our place within it all – individualism. This is westernized society. All children are born free, with an entire universe of capabilities at their fingertips, imaginations beyond imagination, and then as a society we decide to ‘help them grow up’. The unconscious act of suffocating the spirit in our youth, straight into a conformity that will allow economic growth and societal comforts to prosper. This is the Collective Ego.
I’ve always found all of this rather repulsive, but have never necessarily felt ‘strong’ enough to sit here and acknowledge, outright, that no matter how alone I am in this opposition, I will not live a life that I disagree with; until now.
I’d like to note here, briefly, that I am well aware of the economic and industrial necessities that coincide with living in and amongst a rapidly expanding egoic world. As I am likewise aware that such a collective ego encompasses much more of the planet than America alone. I am capable of comprehending, on a much deeper level, a necessary duality of both the ego and the spirit. As well as I can see clearly how it is, on a very real subconscious level, that the ego manifests itself and gradually gains its control. I acknowledge that the building of a society, such as we have today, naturally produces a collective ego. Personally however, I have seen enough of the world, I feel I have endured enough pain, and have as a result acquired enough spiritual wisdom, to see a bigger picture of it all. Through this I have come to realize that in westernized society we have lost our spiritual grounding. That this society, on a collective level, does not currently possess a capacity to comprehend the necessary duality. I understand, beyond a reasonable magnitude of the word itself, how many of you do not, and can not, understand that is. This aside, I must pursue what I know to be true. My spirit shall not be suffocated any longer. I have been gifted this life, this ability to spiritually express myself through a three-dimensional reality, and I shall not let it go to waste. With this, from where I currently sit, America’s westernized society has nothing to teach me, nothing to offer. Rather, it serves only as a weight around my ankle, a restricting force, chains and shackles alike.
I suppose what I’m ultimately trying to say here, is this. I have removed these shackles and unlocked the cell door. I’ve wandered out the prison itself, and I would appreciate if we could all, please, at least try to understand, that I will certainly never again be choosing to lock myself away. If you seek a true spiritual freedom, to the furthest extents of its potential, then you will eventually do the same, and you shall find me ahead. Of this, I am certain. As I transition into this new chapter of life, please be aware that I am choosing to embark on a mission that is much bigger than myself. Know that no matter the distance that is to come between us, I will always love you. But I must find these answers I am searching for, no matter where it is to take me, I must. May it also be known, that I am in pursuit of this grander understanding, with the very real intention of ‘returning’ one day. As a race of being, we are certainly capable of acknowledging and living within the duality, this I know. How exactly we are to get there, is precisely what I intend to determine. Once I have, I shall certainly be sharing what I’ve found. Hoping that, as a race of being, we may choose to pursue all that we are truly capable of, together!
Free yourselves my friends, and always remember, “ .. goodbyes are for those who love with their eyes. For those who love with heart and soul, there is no separation.” -Rumi
Until we meet again,
Jon-Olaf P. Hendricks